How to Talk So Kids Will Listen (Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish)

Grounded in: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (and its follow-ups, including How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King). Paraphrased for retrieval, not quoted.

Helping children with their feelings

• Listen with full attention.
• Acknowledge the feeling with a word ("Oh", "Hmm") rather than questions and advice.
• Give the feeling a name ("That sounds frustrating").
• Give them in fantasy what you can't in reality ("I wish I could make the rain stop right now!"). Denying feelings ("You're not really hurt") tends to escalate them.

Engaging cooperation (instead of commands and lectures)

• Describe what you see or the problem ("There are wet towels on the bed").
• Give information ("Wet towels make the bed damp").
• Say it with a word ("Towels!").
• Talk about your feelings without attacking character.
• Write a note - surprisingly effective with kids who can read.
• Offer choices and make it playful where you can.

Alternatives to punishment

Point out how the child can be helpful, state your expectations, show how to make amends, offer a choice, take action (remove the object, leave the store), and problem-solve together when calm.

Praise that helps

Describe what you see and how it feels rather than evaluating ("You put all the blocks back in the bin" rather than "Good job"). Descriptive praise helps a child see their own strengths.

Themes

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, Faber, Mazlish, communication, cooperation, listening, not listening, ignoring me, chores, praise, good job, feelings, acknowledging feelings, problem solving, alternatives to punishment