How to Talk So Kids Will Listen: Words for Feelings and Cooperation
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen: words for feelings and cooperation, from Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Ask Cradle about thisTLDRThe short version, if you only have a minute
- Help with feelings by listening fully, acknowledging with a word, and naming the feeling.
- For cooperation, describe the problem, give information, or say it in one word instead of commanding.
- Praise by describing what you see ("You put all the blocks back") rather than "Good job".
Helping children with their feelings
- Listen with full attention.
- Acknowledge the feeling with a word ("Oh", "Hmm") rather than questions and advice.
- Give the feeling a name ("That sounds frustrating").
- Give them in fantasy what you can't in reality ("I wish I could make the rain stop right now!"). Denying feelings ("You're not really hurt") tends to escalate them.
Engaging cooperation (instead of commands and lectures)
- Describe what you see or the problem ("There are wet towels on the bed").
- Give information ("Wet towels make the bed damp").
- Say it with a word ("Towels!").
- Talk about your feelings without attacking character.
- Write a note - surprisingly effective with kids who can read.
- Offer choices and make it playful where you can.
Alternatives to punishment
Point out how the child can be helpful, state your expectations, show how to make amends, offer a choice, take action (remove the object, leave the store), and problem-solve together when calm.
Praise that helps
Describe what you see and how it feels rather than evaluating ("You put all the blocks back in the bin" rather than "Good job"). Descriptive praise helps a child see their own strengths.
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Grounded in: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's *How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk* (and its follow-ups, including *How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen* by Joanna Faber and Julie King)., not quoted.
General information, not medical advice. If something feels wrong, trust that and call your pediatrician or provider. See Sources.
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