Quick Calm-Down Skills for Toddlers and Preschoolers

The idea

Children aren't born knowing how to settle a big feeling; they learn it by doing it with a calm adult, over and over. A few simple, body-based tools give them something to do with the feeling.

Calm-down tools to try

• Slow, deep breaths made playful. Blow pretend bubbles, smell a flower and blow out a candle, or roar like a lion on the out-breath. A long exhale helps calm the body.
• Let crying happen. Crying is how a toddler shows a big feeling, not something to shut down. Swap "Stop crying" for something like "It's okay to cry. I'm right here."
• Say the feeling out loud. Putting a name on the feeling ("You're so frustrated") is itself a coping skill and tends to lower its intensity.
• Draw it out. Scribbling hard on paper lets the feeling out; the picture doesn't matter.
• Move it through the body. Jumping, stomping, pushing against a wall, or squeezing a squishy toy or pillow are safe outlets for anger.
• Ask for help. Learning that it's okay to go to a grown-up when things feel too big is an early problem-solving skill.
• Hugs. Many children settle with a hug, or by hugging themselves. It works for adults too.

Hot tip: practice when calm

During a meltdown a child's thinking brain is overwhelmed and new skills don't stick. Rehearse these at calm, playful times (bath time breathing, a stomping game, drawing "mad" scribbles), so they're familiar when a big feeling hits. In the moment, your own calm body is the main tool.

When to check in

If meltdowns are very frequent, long, involve hurting themselves or others, or come with sleep, eating or development worries, talk to the pediatrician.