How to Tell Young Kids About Divorce or Separation

Before the conversation

• Plan it together if you safely can. Agree on a short, shared explanation and on what will change. Telling the child together shows that both of you still care for them.
• Know the practical answers first: where the child will sleep, who does bedtime, when they will see each parent. Young children care most about these.
• Timing: tell them once the decision is final, ideally a couple of weeks before one parent moves out for preschoolers, closer to the move for toddlers. Pick a calm time at home, not right before school or bed.
• If there has been violence or safety concerns, skip the joint talk and get advice from a domestic violence advocate on what to say.

What to say, by age

• Babies and young toddlers don't need an explanation, but they feel tension and changed routines. Keep feeding, naps and bedtime as steady as you can.
• Toddlers (1-3): very short and concrete. "Mama and Mommy are going to live in two houses. You will have a bed at each house. We both love you, always."
• Preschoolers (3-5): a little more. "We had grown-up problems we couldn't fix, so we decided to live apart. It's not because of anything you did. You'll be with Dad on school days and with me on weekends. Our family is changing, but we will always be your parents."
• Use a calendar with pictures or colors for each home so they can see the plan.

The three messages every child needs

1. It is not your fault. Young children often think their behavior caused it. Say this more than once, over weeks.
2. You are loved and will be cared for. Name who will look after them.
3. It is a grown-up decision. They can't fix it or bring you back together, and it's not their job to try.

What to avoid

• Blaming, adult details (affairs, money, court) or asking the child to choose.
• Promises you can't keep about the schedule.
• Fighting where they can hear, including on the phone.

What to expect afterward

• Regression is common for weeks to months: more tantrums, clinginess, potty accidents, sleep changes, or "baby talk". Respond with patience and routine; it usually settles.
• Children ask the same questions again and again. Answer the same calm way each time.
• Some children seem fine at first and react later. Keep checking in with simple questions: "Do you have any questions about the two houses?"
• Picture books about two-home families can open conversations.
• See the co-parenting in two homes guide for routines and handoffs, and the blended families guide for when new partners come along.

When to check in

• Mention big changes in sleep, eating, toileting or behavior that last more than a couple of months to your child's doctor.
• A child or family therapist can help if your child seems stuck in sadness, fear or anger, or if the adults can't talk without conflict. Many courts and communities offer co-parenting classes.
• If there is any violence at home, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If anyone is in immediate danger, call 911.