Looking After Yourself: Self-Care for Parents

Why it matters

Your baby is looked after by a person, and that person needs looking after too. Rest, food, a bit of help and someone to talk to are not luxuries you earn once the baby is fine. They are part of how the baby is fine. A parent running on empty has less patience, less warmth and less judgment, and that is true of every parent, not a sign that you are doing it wrong.

Sleep and rest

• Protect one longer stretch. If there are two of you, take shifts so each adult gets one block of about 4 to 5 hours most nights. If the baby is breastfed, a partner can do the burping, changing and settling, or one bottle of expressed milk once feeding is going well.
• Lower the bar on everything else. Laundry, tidying and replying to messages can wait. Lie down when you can, even if you don't sleep.
• Rest safely. If you might doze off while feeding at night, do it in your bed with pillows and blankets moved away, not on a sofa or armchair, which are the riskiest places to fall asleep with a baby. Put the baby back in their own sleep space when you can. Do not bed-share at all if the baby is under 4 months, was born preterm or at low birth weight, or if anyone in the bed smokes, drank alcohol, or took sedating medication — in those cases, stay awake or feed somewhere you cannot fall asleep.

Asking for help

• Be specific. "Could you bring dinner on Thursday?" or "Could you hold her for an hour so I can shower and sleep?" is easier to say yes to than "let me know if you need anything".
• Keep a list on the fridge of jobs anyone can do: dishes, a grocery run, walking the dog, playing with the older child. When someone offers, point them at it.
• Visitors should help, not be hosted. It's fine to say you're only seeing people who bring food or fold laundry, and fine to keep visits short.
• If you have no family nearby, look for a local parent group, a postpartum doula, your library's baby sessions or an online group from Postpartum Support International.

You and your partner

• Talk about the load, not only the tasks. Remembering appointments, noticing that the diapers are running low and planning the week are work too. Share them out on purpose.
• Check in for five minutes a day, without your phones: "How are you actually doing?" and "What would help tomorrow?"
• Expect friction. Most couples argue more in the first year. Assume you're on the same team, and repair after a snap the way you would with your child.
• Single parents: the same ideas apply to your support people. Name one or two people you can call on, and let them know they're on the list.

Your mood and your mind

• Baby blues are common. Many birthing parents feel weepy, irritable and up and down in the first two weeks after birth. It usually eases on its own by about two weeks.
• Postpartum depression and anxiety are different and also common, affecting roughly 1 in 7 birthing parents and about 1 in 10 partners, any time in the first year or during pregnancy. Signs include sadness or numbness that lasts past two weeks, losing interest in things, constant worry, racing thoughts, not being able to sleep even when the baby sleeps, rage, or feeling like a bad parent most of the time.
• Scary unwanted thoughts (picturing the baby being hurt) are common in new parents and often go with anxiety. Having them doesn't mean you'll act on them. Say them out loud to a doctor; they've heard it before and it can be treated.
• It is not a character flaw and it is not your fault. Therapy, support groups and medicine (including options that work with breastfeeding) all help.

Small things that help every day

• Eat something with protein at breakfast, and keep water and snacks where you feed the baby.
• Get outside for ten minutes, with the baby in the stroller or carrier, most days.
• Shower and change clothes, even if that's the only thing you get done.
• Text or call one adult a day.
• Put the baby down somewhere safe, like the crib, and step out of the room for a few minutes when you feel yourself about to snap. Crying won't hurt them; shaking can.
• Do one small thing that's just yours: a song, a chapter, a coffee while it's hot.
• Let "good enough" be the goal. Babies do well with care that is warm and reliable most of the time.

When to talk to someone

Talk to your own doctor, midwife or your baby's pediatrician if low mood, worry or not coping lasts more than two weeks, or sooner if it's getting worse. You can bring it up at the baby's checkup; many pediatricians ask anyway. In the US, the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline is free and open any time by call or text at 1-833-852-6262 (1-833-TLC-MAMA), and Postpartum Support International's helpline is 1-800-944-4773. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, or you're seeing or hearing things others don't, call or text 988 or call 911 now.