Talking With Kids About Race, Disability and Differences

Children notice early

• Babies notice differences in skin color and faces in the first year. By 3 to 5, children sort people by race, gender, size and ability, and many start to show preferences or repeat stereotypes they've picked up.
• This doesn't mean a child is unkind. Their brains are sorting the world, and they fill gaps with what they see around them.
• Staying silent, or saying "we don't see color," tends to leave children to draw their own conclusions. Research suggests open, positive talk works better.

When your child says something out loud

• Preschoolers comment loudly: "Why is that man's skin so dark?" "Why is she in a wheelchair?" "Why does he have two moms?"
• Don't shush or show embarrassment. That teaches that differences are shameful.
• Answer simply and warmly, then and there or soon after: "People have lots of skin colors. It comes from something called melanin, and it's passed down in families." "Her legs don't walk, so her wheelchair helps her get around." "Some families have two moms. Families come in lots of shapes."
• If your child says something hurtful, address it calmly: "That's not true, and it can hurt feelings. Let's think about what we could say instead."

Everyday ways to build fairness

• Diverse books, dolls and shows where people of many races, abilities, family types and cultures are heroes, not just side characters.
• Name differences and similarities: "Your skin is light brown and Amira's is dark brown. You both love to dig."
• Talk about fairness. Preschoolers care deeply about what's fair. Connect that to how people are treated.
• Widen your circle through parks, libraries, festivals, places of worship and friendships.
• Model it. Children watch who you're friendly with and how you talk about others.

Families of color and multiracial families

• Many parents of color talk with children early about pride in their identity, history and culture, and later about bias they may face. Both build resilience.
• Multiracial, adoptive and foster families can help children feel proud of every part of who they are. See the adoption and foster families guide and the bilingual and multicultural families guide.
• If your child experiences racism, listen, believe them, comfort them, and tell them it wasn't their fault. Speak with the school if it happened there.

Common mistakes

• Waiting until children are older. Early, simple talks lay the groundwork.
• One big talk. Many small, everyday conversations work better.
• Fearing you'll say it wrong. It's okay to say, "That's a good question. Let me think about it."

When to check in

• Talk with teachers if your child is being teased or excluded for how they look, their family or a disability, or seems ashamed of who they are.
• Mention it at a checkup if your child seems anxious, withdrawn or has trouble sleeping after experiences of bias or exclusion.