# Calm, Confident Limits for a Toddler Who Keeps Testing

> Calm, confident limits for a toddler who is testing, from Janet Lansbury.

Stage: toddler - Topic: Behavior - Page: https://www.askcladle.com/guides/toddler/lansbury-limits-and-testing

Grounded in: Janet Lansbury's *No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame* and her *Unruffled* podcast., not quoted.

## TLDR

- Toddlers test limits because they're supposed to; it's how they learn where the edges are.
- Stay calm and matter-of-fact, and hold limits early with action: "I won't let you hit. I'm holding your hands."
- Allow the feelings about the limit. Judge progress over weeks; escalating or injuring aggression is worth a pediatrician visit.

## The reframe

Toddlers test limits because they are *supposed* to - it is how they learn where the edges are
and whether the adults in charge are steady. Testing is not a sign of a bad child or of failed
parenting. What a testing toddler most needs is a leader who is calm and unruffled.

## The approach

- **Stay calm and matter-of-fact.** Big reactions (anger, lectures, visible anxiety) can make a
  behavior more interesting to repeat. A boring, confident response makes it less so.
- **Hold the limit with your actions, early.** Rather than repeating warnings, calmly step in
  and follow through: "I won't let you hit. I'm going to hold your hands." / "I'm going to take
  the ball because it's for outside."
- **Allow the feelings about the limit.** Once the limit is held, the child is allowed to be
  upset about it. Acknowledge ("You're really mad that I stopped you") without taking it back
  and without needing the crying to stop quickly.
- **Sportscasting** (a term from Magda Gerber): when toddlers conflict over a toy, narrate what
  you see without judging or immediately solving it ("You both want the truck. You're pulling.
  Now you're crying.") while staying close enough to keep everyone safe.
- **Avoid shame and punishment.** Time-outs used as punishment, threats, and shaming are
  replaced by a present adult who stops the behavior and stays connected.

## What would suggest it isn't working

Limits held calmly don't usually change behaviour in the moment; testing is normal for toddlers
and fades gradually as routines become predictable. Judge it over a longer stretch, not a single
day. If aggression is escalating, frequent, or causing injury, or if the child seems persistently
distressed, talk to the pediatrician.