# How to Set Sturdy Boundaries with Your Toddler

> Sturdy leadership: boundaries are what the parent will do, from Dr. Becky Kennedy.

Stage: toddler - Topic: Behavior - Page: https://www.askcladle.com/guides/toddler/kennedy-sturdy-boundaries

Grounded in: Dr. Becky Kennedy's *Good Inside* and her Good Inside podcast. Paraphrased.

## TLDR

- Be a sturdy leader: warm, confident and in charge even when your child is upset.
- A boundary is what you will do: "I won't let you throw the blocks. I'm putting them away."
- Keep everyone safe, validate the feeling, and stay present. Don't end with "okay?" or lecture mid-meltdown.

## The idea

Children feel safest with a parent who is a *sturdy leader*: warm, confident, and able to stay
in charge even when the child is upset. Sturdiness is neither harsh nor pleading.

## Boundaries are what the parent will do

A boundary is a statement of what *you* will do, not a request that the child control
themselves. "Stop throwing!" asks the child for a skill they may not have in that moment.
"I won't let you throw the blocks. I'm going to put them away for now." is something the
parent can actually carry out.

## A useful sequence

1. **Keep everyone safe** - act on the boundary (hold hands, move the child, remove the object).
2. **Validate the feeling** - "You're so frustrated. That's hard."
3. **Stay present** - let the feeling be big without needing it to stop, and without giving in.
4. **Revisit later, when calm** - talk about what happened and what to try next time.

## Common pitfalls

- Asking permission ("Okay?") at the end of a boundary invites negotiation.
- Explaining at length in the heat of the moment. Save teaching for later.
- Mistaking the child's upset for proof the boundary is wrong.