# How to Help Your Child With Big Feelings: The 5 Steps of Emotion Coaching

> Emotion coaching in five steps: notice the feeling, connect, empathize, name it, then set limits and solve problems together.

Stage: toddler - Topic: Approaches - Page: https://www.askcladle.com/guides/toddler/gottman-emotion-coaching

Grounded in: Dr. John Gottman's *Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting* (written with Joan DeClaire) and the Gottman Institute's materials for parents. Summarized in Cradle's own words, not quoted; Dr. Gottman and the Gottman Institute do not endorse Cradle.

Reviewed: 2026-11

## TLDR

- How you respond to a child's sadness, anger and fear matters; dismissing or scolding feelings teaches they're wrong.
- Five steps: notice the feeling early, see a chance to connect, listen with empathy, name it, then set limits and solve problems.
- Not every moment suits coaching: handle safety or a rushed moment first, and come back to the feeling later.

## The big idea

Gottman, a psychologist best known for his research on couples, also studied how parents respond
to their children's feelings. He found that how a parent handles a child's sadness, anger and fear
matters a great deal, separately from how warm the parent is in general. Children whose parents
treated feelings as worth paying attention to tended, in his studies, to calm down more easily,
get along better with other children and cope better with stress. He called this style emotion
coaching.

## Four ways parents respond to feelings

- **Dismissing:** treating a feeling as unimportant or something to get past quickly - distracting,
  cheering up, or saying it's no big deal. Usually loving in intent, but the child learns the
  feeling is wrong or not worth sharing.
- **Disapproving:** like dismissing, but with criticism or punishment for showing the feeling (for
  example, being scolded for crying).
- **Laissez-faire:** accepting every feeling warmly but offering no limits on behavior and no help
  working out what to do.
- **Emotion coaching:** accepting the feeling while still limiting the behavior, and helping the
  child find a way through.
Most parents use all four at different times. The point is to notice your default and move toward
coaching more often, not to be perfect.

## The five steps of emotion coaching

1. **Notice the feeling,** ideally while it is still small - a pout, a clenched jaw, a quiet child
   who is usually chatty. Notice your own feelings too, including discomfort with certain emotions.
2. **See it as a chance to connect and teach,** rather than a nuisance to shut down. Smaller
   feelings are good practice for bigger ones.
3. **Listen with empathy and let the child know the feeling makes sense.** Get down to their level,
   reflect back what you see, and hold off on fixing or lecturing.
4. **Help the child put a name to it.** Words like frustrated, disappointed, left out or nervous
   give a child a handle on what is happening inside them.
5. **Set limits and solve the problem together.** All feelings are acceptable; not all behavior
   is. Once the child is calmer, explain the limit and think together about what they could do
   next time or what would help now.

## What it looks like with a toddler or preschooler

A 3-year-old screams because a sibling took a toy. A coaching response might be: get close, say
that it looks really frustrating when someone grabs your thing, stop any hitting, and once the
storm passes, help the child think about asking for it back or finding a parent. With younger
toddlers, steps 3 and 4 do most of the work; problem solving gets richer through the preschool
years and beyond.

## When to hold off

Gottman notes that not every moment suits coaching: when you are rushed or in public, when you are
too upset yourself, or when serious misbehavior needs to be stopped first. Handle the moment, then
come back to the feeling later. See the guides on tantrums and emotion regulation and on repair.

## Where it fits and where it's debated

- **Strengths:** a clear, teachable sequence that many later approaches build on. Connect first,
  then limits, is the same rhythm as the whole-brain approach (see the Whole-Brain Child guide)
  and Good Inside. Parenting programs based on emotion coaching have shown benefits in trials.
- **Critiques:** much of the original evidence comes from Gottman's own observational studies of
  fairly small groups of families, which show links, not proof of cause. The book is from the
  late 1990s, so some examples feel dated, and the steps can sound formulaic if used as a script.
- **Who it suits:** parents of toddlers through teens who want a simple framework for feelings,
  and especially parents who grew up in homes where emotions were brushed aside. It works in any
  family shape and across cultures, though how openly feelings are discussed varies between
  families, and that is fine.