# How to Talk So Kids Will Listen: Words for Feelings and Cooperation

> How to Talk So Kids Will Listen: words for feelings and cooperation, from Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Stage: toddler - Topic: Behavior - Page: https://www.askcladle.com/guides/toddler/faber-mazlish-how-to-talk

Grounded in: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's *How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk* (and its follow-ups, including *How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen* by Joanna Faber and Julie King)., not quoted.

## TLDR

- Help with feelings by listening fully, acknowledging with a word, and naming the feeling.
- For cooperation, describe the problem, give information, or say it in one word instead of commanding.
- Praise by describing what you see ("You put all the blocks back") rather than "Good job".

## Helping children with their feelings

- Listen with full attention.
- Acknowledge the feeling with a word ("Oh", "Hmm") rather than questions and advice.
- Give the feeling a name ("That sounds frustrating").
- Give them in fantasy what you can't in reality ("I wish I could make the rain stop right now!").
Denying feelings ("You're not really hurt") tends to escalate them.

## Engaging cooperation (instead of commands and lectures)

- **Describe** what you see or the problem ("There are wet towels on the bed").
- **Give information** ("Wet towels make the bed damp").
- **Say it with a word** ("Towels!").
- **Talk about your feelings** without attacking character.
- **Write a note** - surprisingly effective with kids who can read.
- **Offer choices** and make it playful where you can.

## Alternatives to punishment

Point out how the child can be helpful, state your expectations, show how to make amends, offer a
choice, take action (remove the object, leave the store), and problem-solve together when calm.

## Praise that helps

Describe what you see and how it feels rather than evaluating ("You put all the blocks back in the
bin" rather than "Good job"). Descriptive praise helps a child see their own strengths.