# The Five Principles: Relationship, Reflection, Regulation, Rules and Repair

> Relationship, reflection, regulation, rules and repair, from Dr. Aliza Pressman.

Stage: family - Topic: Connection - Page: https://www.askcladle.com/guides/parents/pressman-five-principles

Grounded in: Dr. Aliza Pressman's *The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans* and her *Raising Good Humans* podcast. She is a developmental psychologist and co-founder of the Mount Sinai Parenting Center., not quoted.

## TLDR

- Five principles: relationship, reflection, regulation, rules and repair.
- Children need at least one reliable adult who helps them feel seen, safe and soothed, and they borrow your calm.
- Good enough is the goal: attuned much of the time, with repair when you're not.

## The five principles

1. **Relationship** - a secure, warm relationship is the foundation. Children do well when they
   feel seen, safe and soothed by at least one reliable adult.
2. **Reflection** - noticing your own reactions, history and triggers, and being curious about
   what your child is experiencing, before reacting.
3. **Regulation** - children borrow calm from adults (co-regulation) long before they can
   self-regulate. A parent's own regulation is the first tool.
4. **Rules** - clear, consistent, age-appropriate limits and routines help children feel safe;
   warmth and structure go together.
5. **Repair** - ruptures are inevitable; coming back to repair builds trust and resilience.

## "Good enough" parenting

A recurring theme is that parents do not need to be perfect. Children benefit from a parent who
is attuned much of the time and repairs when they aren't, and they build resilience by meeting
manageable challenges with support rather than having every difficulty removed.

## Using the principles

When stuck, it can help to ask which principle the moment needs most: more connection
(relationship), a pause (reflection/regulation), a clearer limit (rules), or a repair.