# Repair After Rupture: What to Say After You Yell or Snap

> Repairing after you yell or snap, and why it matters, from Dr. Becky Kennedy and Dr. Aliza Pressman.

Stage: family - Topic: Connection - Page: https://www.askcladle.com/guides/parents/kennedy-repair

Grounded in: Dr. Becky Kennedy's *Good Inside* and Dr. Aliza Pressman's *The 5 Principles of Parenting*, both of which put repair at the center of the parent-child relationship. The idea is also well-supported in attachment research.

## TLDR

- Every parent yells or snaps. Coming back to repair is what protects the relationship.
- Own your part without blaming the child, and skip "I'm sorry, but...". Keep it short for young kids.
- Repair with yourself too. If you often feel out of control or low, talk to a doctor or therapist.

## The idea

Every parent yells, snaps, or gets it wrong sometimes. What protects the relationship is not
never rupturing - it is coming back and repairing. Repair teaches children that relationships
survive hard moments, that their feelings made sense, and how to take responsibility.

## What a repair can sound like

- Name what happened, owning your part without blaming the child: "I yelled earlier. That wasn't
  okay, and it wasn't your fault. I was feeling frustrated, and I'm working on staying calmer."
- Avoid "I'm sorry, but you..." - the "but" undoes the repair.
- Keep it short for young children. A hug and a simple sentence count.
- It is never too late: repairing hours or days later still matters.

## For the parent

Repair includes the parent repairing with themselves - noticing what overwhelmed them (sleep,
stress, their own history) without shame. If you often feel out of control, or feel persistently
low, anxious or hopeless, talking to a doctor or therapist is a strength, not a failure.